Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Lesson 7: Gaydars don't work in Europe

You know that hot guy you see walking on the way to class. His skin is perfect, he's dressed nice but not fratty. You think he might be questionable, but you tell yourself otherwise so you can keep staring at him. You hear him speak and then you know...damnit, he's gay.

Well, in Europe this happens with every guy you see. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Except the thing is, they're not all gay. They all just look like homos according to our American way of seeing the world. The ones you think look straight, act gay. The ones that look gay, act straight. Then there's some that are just all over the damn place, and they don't really know if they like guys or girls. I guess you could call that being bisexual. In reality, I think they just take what they can get. Europeans are very sexual creatures. They will oblige to the goods in whatever package it comes in.


Anyway, there was this one guy. Let's call him Wooden Shoe Boy, for the sake of not embarrassing him if he should ever stumble upon my blog. Wooden Shoe Boy looked kind of straight, I guess, except for the greasy "Fonzie" looking hairstyle. Actually let's call him Fonzie. So, Fonzie could speak English, obviously, so he hung out with us sometimes. He was nice and everything, but young Fonzie didn't understand something. He liked to blame it on the "cultural differences" but, Derrick and I knew the truth. Fonzie is a closet homosexual.

I really thought he was straight at first, I mean I really did. After hearing him say "I love you" to Derrick and other males in his freaking gay accent, I just knew he was lying to us. Fonzie had a habit of flirting with men. In America, and pretty much everywhere else on the damn planet, you don't do that unless you are gay. You also don't play footsie with other guys, tell them "I thought about kissing you in that picture," or buy them drinks at a bar. Sure, it could be a "cultural difference"... but really? People need to just come out of the closet. Gay is gay, no matter what country you're in. You can't just be all up on boys and then be like "oh, I'm just kidding!"  No. You like boys.

Basically, be prepared to not have a single clue as to whether a guy is gay or not. Even if you're gay yourself, you still won't be able to tell. I can't speak for the European girls because I didn't pay attention to them, naturally, because I don't roll that way. But as for the boys, you will never know. Leave your gaydar at home and try to find out the old fashioned spittin' some game.

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